Are you the parent of someone between the ages of 11 and 18? Does your son or daughter have a boyfriend or girlfriend? How much do you know about their relationship?
Most caring and involved parents would say that they make it their business to know what is going on in the dating life of their tween (ages 11-14) or teen (ages 15-18). And yet a recent article on About.com, a NY Times website devoted to women’s issues, reported a very eye-opening series of facts about teen dating violence. This information may be crucial for parents of young people in this age range – 6th -12th grade. With the first week of February being designated as National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Week, I thought this would be a very timely topic for DART’s monthly column.
The first report I read on About.com was about teens. The study states that one in five high school girls has been physically abused by a dating partner, but dating violence among their peers is reported by 54% of high school students. This means that while only 20% of high school girls are reporting abuse, over half of high school students know that it is happening to their friends. The abuse witnessed includes punching, slapping, kicking, and choking.
As a person who has been passionate about the issue of domestic and dating violence for over thirty years, these facts, though disturbing, were not news to me. However, the last two statements on the website revealed new information that was even more disturbing.
The first was that nearly 80% of teen-age girls who have been victims of physical abuse in their dating relationships continue to date their abuser. This fact has me wondering whether parents, even loving and involved ones, are truly aware of what is going on in the dating lives of their sons and daughters. I can’t help but believe that if a parent knew that their daughter’s boyfriend – or son’s girlfriend – was abusing them, they would not permit them to date again. So it comes back to my original question to parents of teens: how much do you know about their dating relationships?
The last fact on this particular website stated that the majority of teen dating abuse occurs in the home of one of the partners. Think about this. This means that when your teen is in the den with a boyfriend or girlfriend, and you are in the kitchen preparing dinner, right there in your own home, abuse may be taking place.
All of the above information related to teens. Now let me share what I learned about violence and abuse in the dating relationships of tweens. According to this study, 62% of tweens know someone who has been verbally abused by a boyfriend or girlfriend, while 36% know someone who has been pressured to do something they did not want to do.
The most shocking part of this article was the fact that tweens who engage in sexual behavior are far more likely to experience abuse in their dating relationships. For those who have had sex by age 14, the statistics are appalling. 69% of them say that they have experienced at least one kind of abuse in their relationship. 61% report being put down or verbally abused, while 34% report physical abuse. But sexual abuse in this age group should concern us even more. 36% of the tweens reported that they were pressured to have oral sex when they didn’t want to, and 34% reported that they were pressured to have sexual intercourse when they didn’t want to. These statistics were almost cut in half in groups who waited longer to have a sexual relationship. The same questions were asked of teens who waited to have sex until ages 17-18, and incidents of abuse were less than half the numbers reported above.
Another part of this study indicated that 67% of tweens are willing to discuss their relationships with their mother. However, that number falls to 49% with teens. This makes a strong argument for parents of tweens and teens to sit down and talk to their kids. They need to have open conversations about dating, about violence, and about sexuality. The longer parents wait, the more they will be “out of the loop” with their child. Parents of tweens often state that their child is too young to have a conversation about dating, abuse, and sexuality. Yet this study also pointed out that while 67% of parents of tweens say they are very aware of what is going on in their child’s dating relationships, only 51% of the tweens interviewed agreed.
DART can make the start of this dialogue a lot easier. We have programs on Teen Dating Violence that we can bring to schools, to church youth groups, to area clubs and organizations, to sports teams, or to other group events. This information, though difficult to talk about, could change the lives of our young people and prevent abuse from occurring in their relationships. Give DART a call (318) 513-9373 and set up a time for our community advocate to come and speak to your group. Remember – communication is the beginning of change. Let us team up with you to make that happen, for the sake of our teens and the families they will one day have.
